Golfer Newbies

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It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m., I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the voice yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee. please?!?!" I finally stopped, turned around, cupped my hands and shouted back … "Would the jerk with the microphone please keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"

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Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" "YOUR 7-iron!" he replied.

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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

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James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day. After 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?" The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch." James asked if the pro thought this would help his game. To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the trash can!"

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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED !"

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I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."

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A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?' The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?' The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.' The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.

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Two long time golf enthusiasts were discussing their scores over a beer in the clubhouse.

"I can't understand it", one said disgustingly. "I've been playing this darn game for fifteen years now and I get worse and worse every year. Do you know last year I played worse than the year before, and the year before that, the same thing"

"That's depressing" commiserated the other, "How are you doing this year?"

"Put it this way", said the first unhappily, "I'm already playing next years game!"

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A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.

Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.

However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:

"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:

"Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again:

"Take another practice swing."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited …

A long silence followed …

Then the voice again:

"Use the old ball."

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Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. "Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."

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Bob was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn't matter what the weather was like. It could be raining and 45 degrees, but Bob didn't care. It was off to the course. Every single Sunday morning for years.

But one Sunday, Bob finally met his match with the weather. He got up early and drove out to the course, hoping the weather would improve by the time he hit the first tee. But once at the course, he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, and the rain was coming down steady and icy cold.

For the first time in years, Bob headed back home on a Sunday morning.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife's backside and said "Terrible weather out there."

"Yeah," his wife replied, "and can you believe my idiot husband went golfing?"

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